Learning to stop

..Before I hit the self-destruct button and there is no way back.

I admit I haven't been my nice, kind self lately. If I've hurt any of you I'm sorry.

I thought I had my priorities straight but they were self-destructive. I'm not averting back to the old me but I'm going to be a bigger and better Rob Gordon.

Give every aspect of my life the time and attention it deserves.

Give every person important to me in my life the time and attention they deserve.

You've never been selfish Rob, it doesn't suit you.

i

An enthusiastic heart sees oppourtunities everywhere

I have never been this down before.

But im not going to talk about it. I've done what Jack told me to. Closed my eyes.

Slowly count to 5. Let the pain take over you, but only for 5 seconds.

I'm looking to the future, and aiming for the stars.

So i'll gather my cap, gather my sword, and continue to be a warrior of light.

'You can't quit this life yet, you've got too much work to do'

Music

...Is a topic I rarely talk about.

I feel uncomfortable when a stranger asks me what music I am into, I feel slightly less when a friend discusses it with me.

Why? A question I was toying with the idea of answering; its a subject close to my heart, and by discussing it I open up my opinions for debate and that is not what I wanted, but as I warm to the idea of blogging, I feel it is best to talk about things close to my heart, things that make me..well..me.

First off I will discuss music that I like. I am eclectic in musical taste, I like rock music, I like rap music, I like classical music, there are very few genres of music I do not like.

I realise that I appreciate music on certain levels. I can appreciate a good pop song for being catchy, I can appreciate a good piece of classical music for its equizity and for the mood it creates.

However, I realise that what determines good music to me, is that I must identify where the artist(s) is coming from. I need to feel that they are sincere in their voice and their emotion; that they mean what they are singing. That they sing with passion.

I admire David Gray for the images conveyed by his powerful lyrics; I admire Damien Rice for the sheer passion and emotion he has in his voice. I admire Linkin Park, as I believe they truly mean the words they sing; re-calling emotional times they have been through in relationships, etc.

I am not ashamed to say of the music I like, but rather, topics about music create raw emotions within me, and often lead to me getting uncharacteristically angry and frustrated.

A pure example of this is Robbie Williams; people like him because he is a 'showman' he has a very bland voice, but he struts on stage and plays to the audience. Is he being emotive and passionate? Does he mean the lyrics he's singing IE(Bodies in the ...lemon tree, etc) No he does not, he is simply out to make some money and be liked.

It angers me to watch the X factor and the like - potential singers who are singing words that are of no importance to them, just so they can be on the cover of heat magazine and have a number 1 album.

Music is a very personal experience for a lot of people; and unfortunately at the moment it seems, the ones who are the least passionate and who can robotically produce single after single about 'shaking your booty' and 'If you can't get a girl but your best friend can it's time to move your body,' very much saddens me.

Maybe I'm getting older, and just a little bit bitter with how the world functions, but I wholeheartedly wish that artists with passion and words that you truly believe are coming straight from their heart and through their vocal cords, would get the recognition that they deserve. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go listen to Damien Rice singing the Blowers Daughter. Or David Gray singing 'alibi.' Even go and listen to Jay Z rapping about New York; at least he's passionate.

This has turned into a rant, I apologise, it was never intended to be.

' A bird sings because he has a song, not because he has an answer'

Rainman..

I've just arrived back home after the theatre with my friends and housemates, Nikita and Lauren. 'Rainman' staring 'that guy from the office' and the excellent Neil Morrisy (Men behaving badly, the office, etc).

I like going to plays, its a bit posh and there are far too many men in blazers who tell you off for rustling your packet of munchies, but apart from that its a very good night out.

I have great respect for actors who are in plays; I can imagine it is far harder to remember your lines and act in front of an audience for 90 minutes than it is to act in a television show where it's OK to forget your lines.

Neil Morrisy was faultless as his portrayal of an autistic man. It was entirely believable from a character point of view, however unfortunately for me, I know that autism is far from what was portrayed.

Autism, one of the more publicised mental illnesses in the 21st century, along with Bipolar disorder, is a complex illness that I won't go into, nor do I know enough about either disorder to do it justice.

But I would like to comment on some of the lesser publicised illnesses, and how - inadvertently so - rainman glorifies illness and somewhat intentionally fools the audience into believing that with some tender loving care, a person with an illness can improve and they can just be 'taken away' from whatver institution or care home they are in. That is not the case, unfortunately for the people with the disease and everyone associated with them, it is not glorious at all.

Memory loss, loss of cognitive ability,lack of functioning, sadness, upset, anger, suicide ;these are just seven of the many, many side effects to mental illness.

And sadly to say Neil Morrisy and 'that guy from the office' teaching an autistic person how to dance, is the least of everyone's problems.

But one film about mental illness is better than none.

Anyway, i'd better finish off my munchies.

Remember, remember...

So bonfire night has been and gone, and unusually enough for me - I celebrated it with my housemates!

I went more because there was a carnival though. (Never trust carnival folk) I ate sugary food, walked in mud, got drenched with rain, and concluded that I probably won't do it next year, but it was a decent night out nevertheless.

Now onto more personal matters.

I have a feeling that my dreams are getting closer. I believe that in time I will be within touching distance of my goals. but even when I have achieved them, will I be truly happy?

I recognise I am one of those types who is happy with the struggle and the hardships to reach the goal, and when the goal is acheieved, feels empty and must challenge themselves further. I am proud to be of this nature.

I feel deeply connected to the world today, and deeply happy with what I have acheived in my life so far. I'm glad the struggle of my proffession and my adolescent to adulthood is not yet over. As John Locke famously said.

'Don't tell me what I can't do.'

So please, world..

Don't tell me I can't live life the way I want to live it.

Anything is possible for me, for you.

If you can dream it, you can acheive it. If it is easy, it is not worthwhile.

Oh and, I want a tatoo.

Setbacks

..We all get setbacks in life.

A lot of the cliche's in this world are often true, so here is another one.

'It is not never being knocked down which makes a champion. Far from it. It is the man who gets up from being knocked down, the man who finds inspiration in his darkest hour, the man who trusts on his hope when in the face of hopelessness, the man who gets up from being knocked down. This, my friend, is a real champion.'

How do you respond to a setback? How do you respond to someone spitting in your face, calling you a looser. Someone doing it more subtely, and often more powerfully.

Someone showing their admiration and fondness of you, only to then call it all off. That hurts far more than anything obvious and generic.

'Dig deeper, remember all you've done and all you've left behind.'

And so I will. It's a sprint not a marathon.