New Year - New start? No chance.

To most people, New Years is one of a few things

1) A chance for a new start - to make promises and to try to live their life with a new perspective, new goals.

2) A chance to start afresh, and forget the past year.

3)A chance to get pissed.

I have no problem with 1) people who believe that the new year is a new start, they take up gym memberships, quit smoking, truly believe they are going to embark on a brand new start in this new year.

However, most people, as soon as February and March comes, cancel that gym membership, buy that fresh packet of cigarettes, and go back to their abusive ex lover, falling into their old traps.

For those in category number 2. Fair enough. Some things happen over the course of the year that we must try to block out and get over.

And to those 3) who see it as an excuse to get pissed then um, yeah, nice one.

I don't want to sound like a overly optimistic twat, but I believe that every day can be a new start, and is certainly a new opportunity, but telling that to most people just gets the reaction of rolled eyes and blank stares.

So no, I don't like new years in its entirety, but if it helps you, then so be it.

May you be granted a journey of renewal and hope; a time of prayer and reflection

Community nursing and what not to watch

So I started my #4Th placement last Monday. Community nursing.

Going to peoples houses and...talking to them? Seeing if there is something wrong...I think?

I'm being looked after by two mentor's, they re both very similar. They overwhelm me with information and then I cannot think what to ask, what to say, what to comment. I end up with 'oh really? oh OK' and feel a bit of an idiot. They said I need to ask more questions, but I don't quite know what to ask.

Is it my fault or theirs? Both.

I should have a greater subject knowledge by now, but having said that, all of my other mental health placements have been in a mental health hospital, actually looking after patients

Community nursing is completely different, so it feels as though I'm having to learn and to start all over again. It's very similar to social work. I do Not want to be a social worker.

I have gained confidence, but the bar just keeps getting higher. I'll appreciate this in a few years time, no doubt.

Anyway.

Do not watch paranormal activity. I sat through it, laughed and mocked it.But it seems it's left a subconscious chilling feeling in me. I keep waking up and thinking threes a spirit in the room. My dreams seem cursed too.

One time a few years ago, I had a dream which I don't remember what happened, I only know the feeling. A feeling of real dread, it was chilling. I believe I experienced a small, minuscule feeling of evil.

In the next week I felt an overpowering good feeling in a dream, again which I cannot remember. My whole body was tingling and I woke up feeling ready for the world and feeling blessed. I believe I experienced a small, minute feeling of good.

I'm just plugging away at this now, working hard, playing a fair amount. Life will improve, just believe it.

Oh and, whoever you are, watch this. Your very much welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEkz1XK75XE

Learning to stop

..Before I hit the self-destruct button and there is no way back.

I admit I haven't been my nice, kind self lately. If I've hurt any of you I'm sorry.

I thought I had my priorities straight but they were self-destructive. I'm not averting back to the old me but I'm going to be a bigger and better Rob Gordon.

Give every aspect of my life the time and attention it deserves.

Give every person important to me in my life the time and attention they deserve.

You've never been selfish Rob, it doesn't suit you.

i

An enthusiastic heart sees oppourtunities everywhere

I have never been this down before.

But im not going to talk about it. I've done what Jack told me to. Closed my eyes.

Slowly count to 5. Let the pain take over you, but only for 5 seconds.

I'm looking to the future, and aiming for the stars.

So i'll gather my cap, gather my sword, and continue to be a warrior of light.

'You can't quit this life yet, you've got too much work to do'

Music

...Is a topic I rarely talk about.

I feel uncomfortable when a stranger asks me what music I am into, I feel slightly less when a friend discusses it with me.

Why? A question I was toying with the idea of answering; its a subject close to my heart, and by discussing it I open up my opinions for debate and that is not what I wanted, but as I warm to the idea of blogging, I feel it is best to talk about things close to my heart, things that make me..well..me.

First off I will discuss music that I like. I am eclectic in musical taste, I like rock music, I like rap music, I like classical music, there are very few genres of music I do not like.

I realise that I appreciate music on certain levels. I can appreciate a good pop song for being catchy, I can appreciate a good piece of classical music for its equizity and for the mood it creates.

However, I realise that what determines good music to me, is that I must identify where the artist(s) is coming from. I need to feel that they are sincere in their voice and their emotion; that they mean what they are singing. That they sing with passion.

I admire David Gray for the images conveyed by his powerful lyrics; I admire Damien Rice for the sheer passion and emotion he has in his voice. I admire Linkin Park, as I believe they truly mean the words they sing; re-calling emotional times they have been through in relationships, etc.

I am not ashamed to say of the music I like, but rather, topics about music create raw emotions within me, and often lead to me getting uncharacteristically angry and frustrated.

A pure example of this is Robbie Williams; people like him because he is a 'showman' he has a very bland voice, but he struts on stage and plays to the audience. Is he being emotive and passionate? Does he mean the lyrics he's singing IE(Bodies in the ...lemon tree, etc) No he does not, he is simply out to make some money and be liked.

It angers me to watch the X factor and the like - potential singers who are singing words that are of no importance to them, just so they can be on the cover of heat magazine and have a number 1 album.

Music is a very personal experience for a lot of people; and unfortunately at the moment it seems, the ones who are the least passionate and who can robotically produce single after single about 'shaking your booty' and 'If you can't get a girl but your best friend can it's time to move your body,' very much saddens me.

Maybe I'm getting older, and just a little bit bitter with how the world functions, but I wholeheartedly wish that artists with passion and words that you truly believe are coming straight from their heart and through their vocal cords, would get the recognition that they deserve. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go listen to Damien Rice singing the Blowers Daughter. Or David Gray singing 'alibi.' Even go and listen to Jay Z rapping about New York; at least he's passionate.

This has turned into a rant, I apologise, it was never intended to be.

' A bird sings because he has a song, not because he has an answer'

Rainman..

I've just arrived back home after the theatre with my friends and housemates, Nikita and Lauren. 'Rainman' staring 'that guy from the office' and the excellent Neil Morrisy (Men behaving badly, the office, etc).

I like going to plays, its a bit posh and there are far too many men in blazers who tell you off for rustling your packet of munchies, but apart from that its a very good night out.

I have great respect for actors who are in plays; I can imagine it is far harder to remember your lines and act in front of an audience for 90 minutes than it is to act in a television show where it's OK to forget your lines.

Neil Morrisy was faultless as his portrayal of an autistic man. It was entirely believable from a character point of view, however unfortunately for me, I know that autism is far from what was portrayed.

Autism, one of the more publicised mental illnesses in the 21st century, along with Bipolar disorder, is a complex illness that I won't go into, nor do I know enough about either disorder to do it justice.

But I would like to comment on some of the lesser publicised illnesses, and how - inadvertently so - rainman glorifies illness and somewhat intentionally fools the audience into believing that with some tender loving care, a person with an illness can improve and they can just be 'taken away' from whatver institution or care home they are in. That is not the case, unfortunately for the people with the disease and everyone associated with them, it is not glorious at all.

Memory loss, loss of cognitive ability,lack of functioning, sadness, upset, anger, suicide ;these are just seven of the many, many side effects to mental illness.

And sadly to say Neil Morrisy and 'that guy from the office' teaching an autistic person how to dance, is the least of everyone's problems.

But one film about mental illness is better than none.

Anyway, i'd better finish off my munchies.

Remember, remember...

So bonfire night has been and gone, and unusually enough for me - I celebrated it with my housemates!

I went more because there was a carnival though. (Never trust carnival folk) I ate sugary food, walked in mud, got drenched with rain, and concluded that I probably won't do it next year, but it was a decent night out nevertheless.

Now onto more personal matters.

I have a feeling that my dreams are getting closer. I believe that in time I will be within touching distance of my goals. but even when I have achieved them, will I be truly happy?

I recognise I am one of those types who is happy with the struggle and the hardships to reach the goal, and when the goal is acheieved, feels empty and must challenge themselves further. I am proud to be of this nature.

I feel deeply connected to the world today, and deeply happy with what I have acheived in my life so far. I'm glad the struggle of my proffession and my adolescent to adulthood is not yet over. As John Locke famously said.

'Don't tell me what I can't do.'

So please, world..

Don't tell me I can't live life the way I want to live it.

Anything is possible for me, for you.

If you can dream it, you can acheive it. If it is easy, it is not worthwhile.

Oh and, I want a tatoo.

Setbacks

..We all get setbacks in life.

A lot of the cliche's in this world are often true, so here is another one.

'It is not never being knocked down which makes a champion. Far from it. It is the man who gets up from being knocked down, the man who finds inspiration in his darkest hour, the man who trusts on his hope when in the face of hopelessness, the man who gets up from being knocked down. This, my friend, is a real champion.'

How do you respond to a setback? How do you respond to someone spitting in your face, calling you a looser. Someone doing it more subtely, and often more powerfully.

Someone showing their admiration and fondness of you, only to then call it all off. That hurts far more than anything obvious and generic.

'Dig deeper, remember all you've done and all you've left behind.'

And so I will. It's a sprint not a marathon.

Let go of your heart. Let go of your head. And Feel it now.

...Today.

I read something pretty deep.

I watched something even deeper.

I looked around me and experienced feelings even deeper.

I lived in this world, and I felt so shallow.


Whoaaaa, thats pretty good for 22:30 on a Thursday night.

So here is what I read:


Poor are those who are afraid of running risks.
Because maybe they are never disappointed, never disillusioned, never suffer like those who have a dream to pursue.

But when they look back – for we always look back – they will hear their heart saying: “What did you do with the miracles that God sowed for your days?

What did you do with the talent that your Master entrusted to you?

You buried it deep in a grave because you were afraid to lose it. So this is your inheritance: the certainty that you have wasted your life.”


And so for some wise words I once read:

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today
To-morrow will be dying.


O Me! O Life!
that life exists,
and identity;
that the powerful play goes on;
and you may contribute a verse


What will your verse be?

Reflections: Enlightened on this new day

I realised something last night.

As I was drinking water from a bottle, watching my 'friends' getting trashed and acting like complete morons. Maybe this was because I wasn't drinking. Or maybe this was because iv'e grown out of this.

Nightclubs, drinking, 'chatting' up women, dancing like a prick. Yes i'm guilty of all of these things. From the age of 17 I've been doing these things. Maybe it's because i've put so much emphasis on clubbing, meaning that I will find 'the one' there. But after over 4 years of experience, I've finally come to terms with the fact that I will not meet anyone in these places.

Drink causes a great deal of fun, mixed with a lot of drama and trouble too. Hangovers the next day, regrets. Tired, dehydrated looking pictures of yourself on facebook the next day.

Am I being boring when I say that i'm bored of clubbing? I don't think I am.

However the boring fact is, I don't have a replacement for it yet. Where else would I meet my potential suitor?

I'll get back to you on that one.

It is said..

....That everybody has one good book in them.

Iv'e wanted to write a story ever since I was about 8 years old. My crazy imagination isn't what it used to be.

I have no idea where to start. I have about two characters. I need inspiration and ideas.


But how do you write a book? I need to feel it, to live and breath it. Once I get the trigger I know i'll be on my way. I just need something.

Oh and..

Life is steady.

Now imma let you finish...

Hello my loyal readers, and welcome to some new faces.

It has been an absolute age (or its been a long tym of missionz- as the chavs would say) since I have wrote on my blog shiz.

So the last blog I wrote I was explaining how damn hard I worked to pass my nursing exam, which kiddos..I failed, miserably. To this day I do noott know how I failed, where I went wrong. For I re-sat that exam one month later, and got an A.

This exam paper was exactly the same paper, and I belive I wrote mostly the same things. I guess thats a mystery left for someone who gives a crap. I don't.

I passed my first year of adult nursing and am finally going to specialise in Mental Health. No more 'wut do u do if u break ur leg ' crap, more of 'What is normal? Does anybody really recover from a mental illness' etc etc. Interesting stuff my friends.


I realise that long blogs are no fun for anyone. My life has changed quite drastically the past month, for the better of course. But thats another story for another day.

You'll be reading a lot more of me soon. Keep the faith.

Rest in peice Patrick Swayzee and that other guy. This life is so short.

Oh, and Kanye West is a Jackass.

And a gay fish.

How to strategically sit in an exam scenario.

I'd begun to reflect on the failure of my handwashing exam. Although a great number of students had failed it past and present, I was not happy. If I had just practiced it and focused more on what I was doing then I'd have passed and felt worthy.

That was part of it. For the first time since I'd began this course, I'd started to wonder if I was doing the right thing. Maybe psychiatric studies were not for me. How much use would I be to a schizophrenic male who wants to kill himself because he has nobody in his life, when I couldn't even learn how to wash my hands in the correct way?

But on the flip side (And there always is, a flip side), I felt more comfortable dealing with this sort of behaviour than I was in an exam situation with people staring at my hands. Quite strange?

The day of my written exam was finally upon me. Nervous and stressed out, I was snappy with people.Filling my head with useless information! That past week my brain was used for automated responses 'I'm fine how r u' conversations and nothing else. I had formulas, poems, songs, word associated pictures, all of these networks in my head. It felt like the matrix, I only hope the trigger would flip in my brain on the day of the exam and I could remember this information that felt like an old shoddy piece of paper, written in feint pencil, form my brain.

Sweating, red, hot. Everybody else is talking, laughing, they don't seem nervous to me. I lay on the grass and just try to regain composure, people talking at me. 'I'm fine how r u'.

No time for any of that, I waited outside the exam hall, scribbled a nervous incoherent signature on a piece of paper, and went in.

Front row, to the right. A strategic position. Nobody in front of me to distract me, nobody to the right of me (The direction my head always leans towards in an exam). Little things, it was a good start if nothing else.

Half an hour of sitting watching my friends and colleagues filter in. Nobody looked nervous. I see people I like, people I have crossed paths with, people I have rubbed up the wrong way, people I can say are dear friends, people I have no associating with. I feel quite humble, quite happy that I know so many people that I can call good friends, of varying ages and sexes, these are all generally good people.

I'm going off on a tangent now, just like my mind did before the beginning of the exam. The Prison Wardens i.e exam..watcher overeats listed the illogical, rules-for-the-sake-of-having-rules usual stuff that I'd came to expect in all my years of doing pointless tests.

But this one was important, this just wasn't a test. It was a life skill, it was what I had been aiming for for over 2 years. It was to prove to the exam board and most importantly to myself that I knew what I was talking about and that. If I failed then I can try again, and if I fail that I don't deserve to try and help people.

The questions were what I had revised. A good start, constant writing for 1 hour and 55 minutes about nursing processes, functions of teeth(There are 3. I dare you to name them, I couldn't)and I felt quite fulfilled. I had given it my all these last 2 weeks revising and I had gave it my all in that 2 hour period. If I wasn't good enough then so be it. They had thrown shit at me and at the very least I had dodged it, at the very most I had deflected it back to them.

And so it was onwards to the post-exam partying and I would find myself relieved the exam was over and happy to get down to some more reading about NLP.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]" src="http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=cb1fab5f-43df-4b23-811d-b6a370add125">

Methods for rivising to achieve optimum 'average' standard

This is my weekend. The focus is on me, my brain, and some bits of paper which will decide if I go into year 2 of my university course.

I tried to go back and remember how I used to revise for the GCSE's. I left it until the last minute, scribbled some crap down, and blagged it. This is quite different.

Science is not something you can necessarily blag, and neither should you want to. If I want to do well on this course then I need to know this stuff, but it just seems so much information.

I ask my friends how they are revising for it. 'Just revising the stuff we wrote down and looking on the university databse'. I feel screwed.

So, like in many of life's avenues. You can only rely on yourself, and so you should. Never be dependant on another human being for this sortof stuff, for the majority of things.

So I closed the bedroom door, opened a window. And got to work. Information going in, information being lost after an hour. I make songs, I write accronyms, I do exactly what Derren Brown says he does.

Basically, imagine you are in a room and associate the things you need to revise with objects in the room. For example, In the room is a baloon, the baloon can represent a part of the anatomy, e.g your arm. I was skeptical but after a while, it begins to work.

So thats it,just me, and my head. I like the idea of it, I just don't like the execution. I don't like DOING. I need to become a doer.

A guide to keep dirt on your hands.

A drab few days. Let's get bad news out of the way.

Sitting in the waiting room waiting for my handwash exam. Plain, nameless white uniform on. Flattering to neither the larger person, nor the skinny person. White, what is that to symbolise? White usually means purity, and unfortunatly, I am anything but.

A few friends came in, looking exactly the same, only shorter, and with curvey bits. Nice curvey bits. Quick monotone, stereotypical conversation about nerves and hating this sort of thing. And i'm called in.

This was it. I was disgarding any nice conversation, I was nervous, I told them. Awaiting some form of typical 'oh-dont-you-worry-about-it-sonny, you-will-be-fine' comment, which never came. Nerves still not settling.

As simple as it was, it was complex in theory. But there I was. Just me. And a sink. I find it quite strange that all my nerves and everybody elses nerves and tears can be born from just two tools. You and a sink.

Water on. Soap on. Gentle carressing of the hands. Doing all my hand movements. Paper towels all come out in a bundle. Large lady helps me out.

After just 1 minute im done. I give them the jazz hands. All done I say.

They sit me down, and talk among themselves for 2 minutes. I look at their marking sheet, all ticks..except one.

Them: How do you think you have done.

Rob (Slightly louder than I wanted): You missed out a tick.

They told me I hadn't done one certain type of hand procedure, I'd never done it, and I'd passed the practice ones. I find it harsh.

Them: You also failed because your wearing a white shirt underneath your uniform

Rob (Louder then I wanted again) You've gotta be kidding me.

And So I failed. As petty and pathetic as this failure was in terms of my other triumphs and defeats, it still got to me. But it also gave me that huge competitive streak that comes out only when I'm competing with myself.

The thoughts then spring to my mind. I have no need for this 'Skill' in my life. I have no interest in this. But that means it will present an even bigger challenge and obstacle to overcome. A small, but yet still, another string to my bow.

Congratulations to the 40% who did pass it though, you wanted it more than I did.

Protein

Well im eating shit loads of protein. Thanks to Big Phil, he's teaching me about diet and excersises. I like it

Someone said something cruel about me the other day, but u know...the cruel things people say, you can learn a lot from them. It's not only good to scrutinize everything about you, but also good to see how somebody else sees you.

Making tweaks and changes all around, I must remember it's about trial and error.

1 Verbal exam out the way.

1 handwash exam tomorrow

1 written exam tuesday

And we're done with year 1. Woopah

Putting yourself under scrutiny

So I've put every aspect of myself under my own scrutinity the past few days.

I've saw the areas in which i was not fully groomed, basic things like speech and manourisms.

Ordered a lot of books and other useful tools.

Progress feels good.

MPUA: Observation stage completed

Okay, so i've had the oppourtunity to go out a lot the last few weeks. Thanks to some excellent friends and a lot of persuasion. I've wore my best clothes and observed. I've observed everything from guys fashion to how people order their drinks at the bar. I've took it all in and now am ready to start doing.

It's an exciting time for me and oddly enough, I have no nerves. Most probably because i'm typign this from the comfort of my own home.

So whats next? I'm thinking only one day at a time, one step at a time.

Tomorrows goal. Get to the gym, order some clothes, read up on your chosen subject.

Now raise a glass to a new era.

Apoligies and revision

It's been so long since I have blogged. I've had an excellent few weeks, going out with my friends and learning all about MPUA and the art of it. Iv'e come a long way since reading up on it. I can tell that I am getting better.

But the other night I pushed it too far and got in over my head and I am deeply sorry to those I hurt, I have came across as a bad person and that is not what I am. The people in question shall never read this but I feel that some of the stress is lifted just by admitting to my mistake.

As with all mistakes there are nothing but lessons to be learned. There is nothing wrong with jumping in the deep end, just don't jump in head first.

As Sir Isaac Newton once said. ' If I have seen further it is only by standing on the shoulders of giants. '

Adding strings to my bow

I was going to write I was happy , but change that, I am optimsitic. Very optimsitic.

A wise man once questioned, are we ever really happy? We search for hapiness through a number of different things, we want the latest material possession, we get it..and we have enjoyment. But the level of enjoyment and 'hapiness' is never sustained, we get bored and move on.

And if you reflect upon your life goals and challenges, as I have mine, maybe you will find that the journey and the struggly is what made you happy. The feeling of mortality, of fear of it all going wrong, which made your passion show itself in the face of adversity. The hunger that people could see in your eyes, The fire that you feel in your soul, witness in your passion. That is what happiness feels like. Or more-so, optimism that I have.

I am learning something different this week, which I am excited about. Little skills which add character, and that is what I feel I want more of - character. More strings to my bow.

I have the hunger, and the fire back, well did it ever really go?

Putting theory into practice

Well well well.

So it turns out my anxieties and fears over what seem to be little things to some, and were huge for me, were in fact for nothing.

Communication !

It is so important to communicate.

That is all I will say.

I'm learning, I'm learning so much.

An accomplished week, and an experiment to look forward too.

Hello readers.

Well I have to say i've enjoyed this week. Back at uni, saw all my old friends...more days off this week. Good stuff.

Iv'e blogged a lot lately. A reflection and 2 poems. I hope you read them and comment, I like to know if you think theyre good or rubbish..or any opinion is appreciated.

I've set up a second blog. The '30 day experiment' (Go to my profile and check it subscribe, or click this link http://30daysofexperiment.blogspot.com/ ).

Life is getting back on track. Reading a very useful book. (The clue is in the picture)

Rob

#1 The Field II

The Field II

Beware the long and open field,
For I am long gone,
A dark and sinister air,
Where the sun had once shon.

I am no longer waiting,
The time has now passed,
You were never to appear,
‘Forever’ did not last.

Thunder breaks the sky,
It is here to warn,
A deep white mist,
Above the fields of corn.

The trees now broken statues,
The air cold and thin,
A patch of worn grass,
I no longer sit in.

Poison and hatred,
Fill this eerie place,
See the broken surroundings,
See my broken face.

The evil stalk the field,
Looking for their prey,
Will they succeed in my failure,
And find you some day.

For you will be helpless,
No shelter or shield,
You arrived too late,
At the long and open field.

Poem #1 The field

The Field

A long and open field,
That is where I’ll be,
The green open surroundings,
That is where you will see me.

I will wait for you there,
From dusk to dawn,
I will wait for you always,
In the fields of corn.

The breeze is gentle here,
How I wish you could feel it,
The trees sway freely,
Underneath them, I always sit.

It is lonely here,
Yet I feel so alive,
The air makes my mind clear,

How I wish you were here.

Will you ever appear?
Whisper it, my lips are sealed,
Only the birds and trees will hear you,
In the long and open field.

Inspiration

For my first reflective blog, I had a long hard think about what I find quite easy to talk about. And so here we have it: Inspiration.

I was about 10 years old when I was first inspired. I felt a tingly sensation all over and a determination crossed my mind. I wanted to do something, I felt powerful and felt that the world was opening up for me, or rather, I could conquer the world.

What happened to inspire me? It may seem a bit silly, but, watching Rocky 4.

Mainly the fight scene at the end, watching this gruelling fight, with the instrumentals, and the overcoming adversity and pain etc. When Rocky won that fight and he converted all of the Russians to his side, and then he gave that speach about 'Ey, if you can learn to love' or something like that, it was quite touching.

I remember I bought some boxing gloves and started to punch a wall.

As I grew older, I found myself in a bit of a slump, I would see the negative side of everything, I was very pesimistic and felt hard done by by life. Why didn't girls like me? Why didn't the 'cool' people talk to me. Why wasnt I being recognised. And I realised, only I can put myself out there, and only I can change my life, and start enjoying it, rather than feeling so hard done by.

I read a book, The Alchemist (El Alquemista) by Paulo Coelho that really changed my outlook on life.Since that book, I've managed to see inspiration in so many things.

The world inspires me, on a hot day with a slight breeze, the rustle of the trees, the birds singing.
People inspire me, people who have come from nothing, people at the very top, the consistant champions. Champions of sport, life. My friends are champions to me, I admire them all for various reasons and they inspire me very much and I am eternally grateful for these friends.

Inspiration will always be a re-curring theme in all of the things I do and all of the actions I make. I am inspired, and I enjoy being inspired.

So now i'd like for you to comment.

What inspires you?

Thankyou for reading.

Changes to my blog

Hello all,

Just want to notify you on changes to my blog.

Every Wednesday i'll now be doing a new blog, about numerous thoughts and views of mine.

And as usual, every Sunday i'll do a mini diary of events of the week.

Thanks for following

Rob

Casting quaters in to well's that hold our dreams..You won't believe me, I would if you told me so

I have been very low.

I have been down.

I have had a pasage of my life that I do not want to discuss. This is not out of dis-respect to anybody, more out of respect for my friend. I want to put it behind me now.

Lest we never forget.

But out of the darkness cometh light.

I'm back.

And it's time for a quote.

The better end of all to come
The truth be now here one by one
I am to you extend to none
The memory that fuels the fire

Good morning sunshine, I look as the sun hits the sky

My close friend is getting better. My fingers are crossed and I am praying for you.


Gotta have my injection tomorrow, Heptitius B injection 3. I can't believe that some student nurses keep fainting because of injections.That doesn't make sence at all.

I'm kicking ass on placement. The patients love me and now the rest of the staff are seeming to like me. I got the most riskiest patient up, dressed and showered, all up on my own. *Blows own trumpet*

Stay until Wednesday
And write me a child like letter pretending.
I saw you on Thursday
Lets make it the last day at home by the fiiiree..

Gloom

Not a good day.

Someone close to me is not very well, it's upsetting other people. I hope tomorrow goes well.

Anyway.

My laptops broke.

And I have work to do.

And I send a strongly worded email to my lecturer, she deserved it

Outside...boundary lines

Howdy.

Feeling pretty decent at the moment, 2 weeks left and i'll be ready.

So still working hard, both in work and in my personal life.

the best thing ever came through the post on Wednesday. The best. thing. ever http://www.amazon.co.uk/Neverender-Children-Fence-Coheed-Cambria/dp/B001QU0WGA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1238355342&sr=8-1

80 beans well spent.

Not a lot else to say..well there is loads to say but never enough time.

Id love to freeze time for a year or two.

Wandering, Pondering,

I'm feeling optimistic one moment, pesimistic the next. Have you ever felt that way? It's strange, usually it's one or the other, now it seems a big contrast of emotions.

I've acknowledged that I need my friends now. Iv'e had my alone time, now I think it may be time for my friends.

I may be out on Thursday, if Ben and Ross keep their word, but we'll see, plans can change between now and then, but thats cool.

Had my haircut today, I think I look better with hair, but I always feel good when my hair is cut, its like...I dunno, a mini-new start. Is that lame? It's probably lame isn't it.

I feel like i'm growing a lot from my nursing, I'm already showing people what to do, and I definitly feel like it's the right career path. Sidney's family sent us a card saying thankyou for all the work, and thankyou for allowing Sidney's last moments to be peaceful.

Thats what it's all about.

Be patient, he said

A funny thing happened to me today as I was walking to my car after worked, it's happened before but iv'e never really listened.

I was talking outloud about what I wanted and needed, and then I said to myself..be patient, It was like the Lord was talking through me, be patient he said. I realised how self-centred and selfish I sounded, demanding all of these things. Just because it comes easy to a lot of people, doesn't mean I have any right for it to come easy for me. Nothing of value comes easy.
And so I realise that it isn't the right time to have what I want, because I have had it all once, and I wasn't happy then. Maybe Paolo Coelho is right. As a warrior of light, it is the struggle, not the outcome that matters.

It is the journey, not the destination.



You know when you hear but you just don't listen. The world, as a whole, should listen more.

Heart of darkness

I'm in quite a cheery mood.

Although, I haven't been out in forever! Im missing the social life.

Im lonely but im determined, its a time of opposites for me.

Iv'e bought the film 'Heart of Darkness' it looks good, so imma watch it.

Oh..

Rest In peice Jade Goody.

My team, The deceased and a nice long weekend.

First off.

Rest in peice Sidney. You were one of my favourite people I have ever met, you were funny and sarcastic. I'm glad you are now in a better place, back to normal, and able to walk again!
I'll never forget the conversations we had about the Gustapo, the Japanese, and Samurai's. Iv'e learned a lot about you and I hope you are safe and happy now sir.

My nan is also suffering from what I think is depression, it's awful but i'm glad I didn't go to see her today, I wouldn't have liked to see her the way she is. I hope she improves, I really do.

On a better note, I'm kicking asss with my new Fifa 09 team.

Iv'e created the Warriors of Light (obviously) and we're one of the best in the world (no joke). Im spending all of my 3 day weekend on it! I know its slightly lame but at the moment nobody is going out much, so I need to keep myself busy.

I'm also concerned how im liking angry gangster rap now, how strange.


Rest in peice that poor woman who died skiing, I hope my ski friends never have that tragedy befall them.


Also i'm reading this awesome book, more to follow.

Hard working

I'm working like a bitch.

At the hospital and at the gym.

Using the pain to my advantage.

"I'm not the two, not the three, not the four, the five, I Take the pain from my life, pour it all inside".


Keeping focused on my goals.

Shifts and excersis

I feel a bit better today. I'm quite tired from all the work iv'e been doing, and have just been to the gym and feel a lot better. Theres something about excersise that connects me to the world around me and to the big man upstairs..it's weird, but it feels like its something natural and it just feels healthy to sweat and push yourself.

I've been doing early, late, and weekend shifts..they never seem to end! Only 4 weeks left though.

Congladutation to Sarah for passing her driving test.


My life at the moment feels like its the early stages of a Rocky montage.

I find a strange comfort in that.

Work and Sarah Michelle Geller

I have a lot of work to do, but my mentor is sick and theres not much I can do.. I don't get stressed about work very often...and this is no different.

One of my favourite books I have ever read is being made into a film...although its starring Sarah Michelle Geller...

Interestingly (or not) enough, this book helped about 40% into me starting my training as a mental health nurse.

Heres a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEhc4yVuT2s

Awesome.

If anyone wants to see it with me, please please let me know. Id love to watch it with you =) and explain the book etc.


Im not going out for a few weeks, It will do me good I think. Need to learn about myself and alter a few things.

Oh...and, the greatest footballer of all time ( I said it) has made his third comeback in his career. Looking a bit chubbier and sporting an afro, he did it again..look at the support he gets from his fans.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/video/video.php?v=55591269737
Truly a moving moment.

The comeback

Just like Jesus died, he came back.

Just like Rocky lost, he came back.

I am not Jesus or Rocky.

But the sentiment is there.
That is all.

Frustration + Desperation

I'm absolutely royally pissed off.

I dont, fucking, get it.

I'm a nice guy, right, there are absolute twats who are in better situations than me.

Im not gona whine and moan anymore, just gota sort it out. Moaning never helped anybody.

Find light in the darkness. Find inspiration in isolation.

Bland

A much needed non eventful day today.

Went to work, came home, slept, Fifa, youtube. In that order.


Not much to say really, enjoyed today, Can't make a bed! It's hard tryin to do it the way they want, much more practice needed.

RIP Wendy Richard (Pauline - Eastenders).

Busier day tomorrow. Don't know if I'll go out tomorrow night..Sarah and Harriet want to though.

Nothing inspiring to say today. Still hopeful.

Free bird

Today has been a busy day by my standards. Wor 7-2:30, swimming 3:15 - 4:15, then good times 5:30 - 9:45. Am shattered.

So, I dont know, I think its going good..then somethin will happen so I think its bad. I think it's going bad, then something will happen that makes it good. I sortof like it, as long as it eventually turns out good. Some people are like closed books. I find it intriguing to unlocking personalities, only good ones though.

But I know I'm definitly enjoying it, thats been confirmed today.

Been listening to the Blink 182 last album, its better than I remembered..and They're coming back! Sweet.

Not going outt for a while, fucking work.

EPIC moment today at work.

A patient's daughter came in, saw her dad, and sat down on a chair next to him. She got in close, looked at him, 'Dad...Dad it's me', Then she took off her glasses, let down her hair..there was a silence.

Then all of a sudden he hugged her, he was crying, she was crying, Sarah was crying, I er... wasn't crying... Well nobody was crying, just read eyes and a tear or two. Because he recognised her, and that must be such a special feeling in that circumstance.

This world is cruel, and the majority of the world don't see the things I have seen, I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

No quotes today, none needed.

The road..

So today I got up at 6:15, out the house at 6:40, drove like Michael Schumacher, and got to wor for 6.58. Nice.

Its nice getting patients up, they're a bit grumpy but you see a different side to them, I HATE getting woke up so I know how they feel.

S h i t t i n g it tomorrow! Yep yep. I have a feeling its gona go a bit better than last time though, which was fine. Don't order muscles, and stop talking about Tom Hanks..

And I don't know the football scores, although Ben's potentially ruined it anyway.

This blog is well boring today isn't it. Although I read an awesome quote last night I'd like to share.

"..two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost.

Awe-Some. Agree?

The work begins..

I got up early today... 7:55 urgh... whats all that about

My first day at Placement number 2...well I dont have much of an impression..good or bad really.

The patients are nice, Sarahs with me...my mentor is niice, but some of the staff haven't even made an effort to talk to us yet..and the way they seem to handle the patients is a bit harsh, if it was my Grandad, I would not be happy.

And the works piling up. 2 essays, 5 Performance Criteria,a weekend and the odd few nightshifts thrown in just to kick me in the teeth.

But aside from that, Wednesday is another important day, It will be easier, i'll show another side of myself I think. We will see.

Those little Indian kids winning those oscars...lol, i don't know..i just don't know.

All I need...

Well.

Er.

Did I sink or swim? I dont know, Part of me sank and part of me paddled. I'm awaiting a txt that will make me happy or sad. How have I got myself in this position? Thats a story to be told another day.

Right Rob, focus, essay, and get my mind right to start 7 weeks of 37.5 hr shifts a week :-(
Damn.

I have to just get on with it, knuckle down, work hard.

Argh my hearts beating fast.

From fear through the eyes of madness

Thursday was a weird night. A good one, a bad one, then a good one again. I don't think things through or fully realise the consequences of my actions until they happen, and for that i'm extremely sorry.



Enough about that.



So I drank way too much and my tripple threat night out (see blog number 2) turned into just the one night. I've missed Sarah's party and im gutted :-( But i'll see her Monday to apoligise.



Iv'e been watching 'The oddysey' on youtube, I watched it as a kid and didn't realise how grown up it is...It's about a kid who falls from a tree and becomes unconscious...and then hes in another world with his friends and enemies looking for his dad (who isnt really dead whoaaa), it sounds lame but its awesome. I wana go to Vancouver? Anyone ever been?



Iv'e done a bit more of my essay, It's like a badly crafted jigsaw puzzle at the moment, but hopefully it will all come together. A bit like life! (Most philopsophical thing ive written so far Wahey)



Iv'e eaten nothing but junk this weekend and tomorrow (nervous gulp) im gonna eat some more. Tomorrow is going to be a do or die, sink or swim. I usually sink when the chips or down. But..



Did Rocky Sink? Fuck no he didn't! He kicked some ass! Does Rocky ever sink? Well yes, in Rocky 5 (BUT We dont talk about that) . Did Rocky still kick ass in Rocky 5? Yes, yes he did.



Rocky is my ultimate favourite film, I can't say which one I like the most because they're all (Not 5) very very good. Those montages..although a little homosexual, are extremely motivating.



Oh yeah, I did a mini drunken poll, and asked like ..6 people and an 'Obviously gay man sitting next to me (Lauren Greenwood quote) if they preffered South Park or Family Guy..the results were quite disgusting! Everyone preffered Family Guy...I mean cerial..whats all that about?





Okay i'm done.



Err W.O.L wisdom of the day :



A warrior of light knows he has much to be grateful for. Angels help him in his struggle, celestial forces place each thing in its place, thus allowing him to give it his best.

His companions say 'He's so lucky!' And the warrior does sometimes achieve things far beyond his capabilities.



That is why at sunset, he kneels and gives thanks for the protective cloak surrounding him.



His gratitude, however is not limited to the spiritual world; he never forgets his friends, for their blood mixes with his on the battlefield.

A warrior does not need to be reminded of the help given him by others. He is the first to remember and he makes sure to share with them any rewards he recieves.

Tripple Threat night! 1/3

Hello all/Myself

Well i'm excited.

I'm going out tonight with young Ben, Lauren and Harriet for a night of drink, laughter and glaring (Only ben will do that) I have to take it easy because I'm going out Friday and Saturday too. Which I think is one of the only times ive gone out 3 times in a row...I can drink a lot but I have no stamina the next day and always feel rough..anyway I digress.

Today my aunt and nan came oveerrr, how nice. Was a laugh playing with the kids (not like that) Makes me think I want one of my own, but one day, not yet, nowhere near ready for that.

I haven't done my essay and Iv'e played too much Playstation today...

And I pissed someone off last night and I dont quite know what I did and now she's blocked and deleted me off everything! Harsh times...harsh times :(

But i'm generally in a good mood, off to the gym now, I hate waiting for the machines. The massive muscular guys just sit on the machines..sweating all over them..they don't even use them half of the time.

In other such exciting news, I thought my MP3 player was broke...but I had to press the reset button and it worked again. Best news ever.

Ok, i'll be a bit more deep and philosophical on my blogs soon I promise, i know its a bit dull.

First Blog

Hi everyone (or nobody, im sure will read this!)

Well its my first blog, Lauren and Ben (Friends) are doin it so I thought i'd try it and see if it helped anything or ..well i dont know, It might be fun.

So the basics: I'm Rob, 21, A mental health nurse student (Go on, laugh) in my first year, enjoying it so far but I haven't started my essays yet..

Erm im at the gym and swimming a lot of the time to full my days and take my mind off a lot of stuff in the recent past...tryin to keep active and tryin to better myself. Life is indeed a challenge and I thought I'd conquered it but it just throws up more obstacles when you least expect them.

Theres a lot more to say but it's quite late and if you are going to follow this blog, you'd be mad too, but i'll add more about me as I go along.

Tomorrow:
Library
Buy swimming trunks (not speedos...)
Go to the gym
Go out and get slightly drunk

....Nice