How to strategically sit in an exam scenario.

I'd begun to reflect on the failure of my handwashing exam. Although a great number of students had failed it past and present, I was not happy. If I had just practiced it and focused more on what I was doing then I'd have passed and felt worthy.

That was part of it. For the first time since I'd began this course, I'd started to wonder if I was doing the right thing. Maybe psychiatric studies were not for me. How much use would I be to a schizophrenic male who wants to kill himself because he has nobody in his life, when I couldn't even learn how to wash my hands in the correct way?

But on the flip side (And there always is, a flip side), I felt more comfortable dealing with this sort of behaviour than I was in an exam situation with people staring at my hands. Quite strange?

The day of my written exam was finally upon me. Nervous and stressed out, I was snappy with people.Filling my head with useless information! That past week my brain was used for automated responses 'I'm fine how r u' conversations and nothing else. I had formulas, poems, songs, word associated pictures, all of these networks in my head. It felt like the matrix, I only hope the trigger would flip in my brain on the day of the exam and I could remember this information that felt like an old shoddy piece of paper, written in feint pencil, form my brain.

Sweating, red, hot. Everybody else is talking, laughing, they don't seem nervous to me. I lay on the grass and just try to regain composure, people talking at me. 'I'm fine how r u'.

No time for any of that, I waited outside the exam hall, scribbled a nervous incoherent signature on a piece of paper, and went in.

Front row, to the right. A strategic position. Nobody in front of me to distract me, nobody to the right of me (The direction my head always leans towards in an exam). Little things, it was a good start if nothing else.

Half an hour of sitting watching my friends and colleagues filter in. Nobody looked nervous. I see people I like, people I have crossed paths with, people I have rubbed up the wrong way, people I can say are dear friends, people I have no associating with. I feel quite humble, quite happy that I know so many people that I can call good friends, of varying ages and sexes, these are all generally good people.

I'm going off on a tangent now, just like my mind did before the beginning of the exam. The Prison Wardens i.e exam..watcher overeats listed the illogical, rules-for-the-sake-of-having-rules usual stuff that I'd came to expect in all my years of doing pointless tests.

But this one was important, this just wasn't a test. It was a life skill, it was what I had been aiming for for over 2 years. It was to prove to the exam board and most importantly to myself that I knew what I was talking about and that. If I failed then I can try again, and if I fail that I don't deserve to try and help people.

The questions were what I had revised. A good start, constant writing for 1 hour and 55 minutes about nursing processes, functions of teeth(There are 3. I dare you to name them, I couldn't)and I felt quite fulfilled. I had given it my all these last 2 weeks revising and I had gave it my all in that 2 hour period. If I wasn't good enough then so be it. They had thrown shit at me and at the very least I had dodged it, at the very most I had deflected it back to them.

And so it was onwards to the post-exam partying and I would find myself relieved the exam was over and happy to get down to some more reading about NLP.

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Methods for rivising to achieve optimum 'average' standard

This is my weekend. The focus is on me, my brain, and some bits of paper which will decide if I go into year 2 of my university course.

I tried to go back and remember how I used to revise for the GCSE's. I left it until the last minute, scribbled some crap down, and blagged it. This is quite different.

Science is not something you can necessarily blag, and neither should you want to. If I want to do well on this course then I need to know this stuff, but it just seems so much information.

I ask my friends how they are revising for it. 'Just revising the stuff we wrote down and looking on the university databse'. I feel screwed.

So, like in many of life's avenues. You can only rely on yourself, and so you should. Never be dependant on another human being for this sortof stuff, for the majority of things.

So I closed the bedroom door, opened a window. And got to work. Information going in, information being lost after an hour. I make songs, I write accronyms, I do exactly what Derren Brown says he does.

Basically, imagine you are in a room and associate the things you need to revise with objects in the room. For example, In the room is a baloon, the baloon can represent a part of the anatomy, e.g your arm. I was skeptical but after a while, it begins to work.

So thats it,just me, and my head. I like the idea of it, I just don't like the execution. I don't like DOING. I need to become a doer.

A guide to keep dirt on your hands.

A drab few days. Let's get bad news out of the way.

Sitting in the waiting room waiting for my handwash exam. Plain, nameless white uniform on. Flattering to neither the larger person, nor the skinny person. White, what is that to symbolise? White usually means purity, and unfortunatly, I am anything but.

A few friends came in, looking exactly the same, only shorter, and with curvey bits. Nice curvey bits. Quick monotone, stereotypical conversation about nerves and hating this sort of thing. And i'm called in.

This was it. I was disgarding any nice conversation, I was nervous, I told them. Awaiting some form of typical 'oh-dont-you-worry-about-it-sonny, you-will-be-fine' comment, which never came. Nerves still not settling.

As simple as it was, it was complex in theory. But there I was. Just me. And a sink. I find it quite strange that all my nerves and everybody elses nerves and tears can be born from just two tools. You and a sink.

Water on. Soap on. Gentle carressing of the hands. Doing all my hand movements. Paper towels all come out in a bundle. Large lady helps me out.

After just 1 minute im done. I give them the jazz hands. All done I say.

They sit me down, and talk among themselves for 2 minutes. I look at their marking sheet, all ticks..except one.

Them: How do you think you have done.

Rob (Slightly louder than I wanted): You missed out a tick.

They told me I hadn't done one certain type of hand procedure, I'd never done it, and I'd passed the practice ones. I find it harsh.

Them: You also failed because your wearing a white shirt underneath your uniform

Rob (Louder then I wanted again) You've gotta be kidding me.

And So I failed. As petty and pathetic as this failure was in terms of my other triumphs and defeats, it still got to me. But it also gave me that huge competitive streak that comes out only when I'm competing with myself.

The thoughts then spring to my mind. I have no need for this 'Skill' in my life. I have no interest in this. But that means it will present an even bigger challenge and obstacle to overcome. A small, but yet still, another string to my bow.

Congratulations to the 40% who did pass it though, you wanted it more than I did.

Protein

Well im eating shit loads of protein. Thanks to Big Phil, he's teaching me about diet and excersises. I like it

Someone said something cruel about me the other day, but u know...the cruel things people say, you can learn a lot from them. It's not only good to scrutinize everything about you, but also good to see how somebody else sees you.

Making tweaks and changes all around, I must remember it's about trial and error.

1 Verbal exam out the way.

1 handwash exam tomorrow

1 written exam tuesday

And we're done with year 1. Woopah

Putting yourself under scrutiny

So I've put every aspect of myself under my own scrutinity the past few days.

I've saw the areas in which i was not fully groomed, basic things like speech and manourisms.

Ordered a lot of books and other useful tools.

Progress feels good.